In a spirit of writing honestly and unapologetically, there is a guy I am undoubtedly hung up on. It is not uncommon to hear that relationships are all about timing. To a point, I cannot argue with that. Part of me cannot help but wonder “Maybe that will finally be our time. Maybe that will be when timing is on our side.” Most of me knows waiting around gets you nowhere. It just hurts you. It closes you off to other opportunities.
I am all about second chances though. But, I can’t place an ad in his local paper in all caps advertising “SECOND CHANCE AVAILABLE HERE.” It is something he has to want too. No matter how much it hurts to see him with another girl while I’m still hopelessly standing on home plate.
If our time ever comes. Who is going to jump first? I need to know 100% he is all in; ready to play the next inning. I know I will be.
I keep flashing back to that night, that last time we saw each other. I haven’t stopped thinking about him since that day. Replaying it like Full House reruns in my head. Just like him, that night was unforgettable. Unforgettable and unexpected. It gave me answers to old questions, while simultaneously writing a list of new questions. The answers given to me felt right. Felt like things were finally coming full circle. Yet those words haven’t been repeated or revisited since that day.
Maybe I am waiting for a sign from the universe. Maybe I am still too scared to jump like a little kid learning to swim underwater for the first time. Maybe I am hoping one day he will jump without any hesitation. But who knows, maybe he waited for me to do the same and I never did.
I am not going to lie, after we saw each other that night, I thought we had a fighting chance. I thought the delay between the bottom of the first and the top of the second was finally over. You see I never stopped wanting him. I still haven’t. I truly have never met someone I get along with so well. I have tried my hardest to get over him with many unsuccessful attempts in tow. Maybe I just don’t want to. If you could hear my thoughts you would hear a constant echo of his name. If you could read my mind it would be a space graffitied with his name. This is not the type of graffiti that is easily painted over and left unnoticed to the naked eye.
He is pitching to a different home plate again. Don’t get me wrong, I want him to be happy. Who am I to wish someone otherwise?
I used to think I needed to take a leap of faith towards him. Express to him all my thoughts bottled up inside. Lay it all out on the table like betting all in during a game of black jack. Someone can’t act on feelings if they don’t know they exist. Now I’m starting to think maybe I need to take that leap of faith in the other direction. Dive into the world of moving on, getting over, and letting go. Free myself from the jail located in the of capital heartbreak USA. If I do not give myself permission to heal, I never will. I have no doubt he will live on in my words forever. But it might be time I take away the square footage he is renting in my heart. End his lease and evict what doesn’t feel at home anymore.
There are no guarantees in life. Nothing will solidify a second change will knock on our doors. Nothing will guarantee we will both want it. No flashing neon sign saying jump now. A notification won’t pop up on my phone telling me exactly what to do. No guarantees he and I will ever be on the same page again. There is a time for hope and a time for letting go. Two directions for which I must eventually choose one. Right now I am frozen unable to divulge down a road following my ultimate choice. Each outcome is unknown. That’s terrifying alone. I’m stuck at the enter of a crossroads. Physically and mentally I cannot make a choice. For now maybe I will blame it on my indecisiveness. That might just be an excuse but it’s an excuse I’m willing to live with.