Ours Was Never Ours

Relationship status: Not ours

They didn't date but he still broke her heart. Ours is a pronoun they never reached the status of. You plus me was an equation they never solved. There is a blank space after the equals sign.

She found herself in a relationship that wasn't a relationship. He managed to break her heart without ever fully having it. She's not so sure he realizes how easily he did this to her.

There was never a defined "we are." They just carried on in their own world.

Hands were held. Inside jokes were made. Sweet kisses held true. Laugher was constant. Horrible bowling skills were witnessed. She had never felt so happy to simply be with someone. She was beginning to realize why nothing had never worked out with another person. The best part, they met by chance. It was like one of her favorite Taylor Swift lyrics, "The best people in life are free" was coming to life right in front of her. She spent a Monday night supporting a coworker and left with so much more. What came next she never expected.

She spent two months of her life feeling a way she had never felt before. She did so many uncharacteristic things just to see him. She broke her rules. She opened up her heart like a book that'd never been read before. Tore down walls that stood tall between the lines. She laid down her heart like playing cards. He didn't bet on her. She left her comfort zone at the starting line. She ran away from it with her inhibitions in tow. In her mind she felt one way. She had a vision of them. Day dreams of the places they would go.

She learned she should have spoke her mind. She should have said what she wanted. She didn't. That can't be changed now. Nor does she regret it. Yet it will always linger in the depths of her mind. If she would have said something, what would have been different? What would be different now?

There was a he. There was a she. There was never a we. Never an ours. Somehow she still felt like there was everything and then some. Potential for so much more lingering waiting for its golden hour. More that they didn't even know was possible. Crashing down and pulled away like the tide from the shore. Pulled away like a breakup yet there wasn't a defined relationship.

He didn't date her. Her is me. He's the guy I'm forever hung up on. He was the last best thing I had. Now I am witnessing the puzzle pieces of a heart break first hand. They are slipping through my hands like quicksand with nothing to catch them. No safety net to collect them. I've tried to let go but I don't know if I want to.

What I would give for one more taste of his lips to bring me back. I never doubted he liked me. I doubted what we both wanted.

I'm trying to find my healing path. How do you heal from something you don't regret?

A new boy has caught my attention. One who is nothing like you. Maybe that's what I need? I'm still unsure. Yet, your name lingers, pinned to a bulletin board in my mind. Always a what if. Wondering what we could be.

As so often in this world, perhaps timing is not on our side yet. It may never be. A mutual friend of ours said give it time. Give him time. How much time is the right amount of time? I'll be the first to tell you I'm impatient.

It's easy to say this is the first time I felt this way. For that, I say thank you to him. Thank you. He gave me a feeling I didn't know was possible. He gave me a story of first encounters that I want to tell for the rest of my life.

If you're reading this, thank you. You showed me a different side of me. A giddy girl happy to be by your side. I will always be grateful for that. With you, around you, I was overwhelmed in the best way. In a way I wish everyone gets to experience. The thing is, I was just falling in love with you. I wasn't in love with you. I can only imagine how that would feel. I imagine overwhelming in a way words can't describe. I want to show up for you. I want to stand on your balcony always cheering you on. Your biggest cheerleader, never leaving your side. You're the first person I want to tell good news too. I want you to witness all of me. I may never get that chance and I suppose in the end I can be ok with that. Know I'll always melt in the wake of your smile.

We said we'd be friends but it hurts me to see you with another girl. I don't want to lose you. I'm holding on to something but unclear of what that is.

I'm tied together with a smile.

Ours was never a pronoun we belonged to, that's not to say I don't want to.

Oh but what if he is?

She said, “Maybe he’s not as special as you thought he was.”

I replied with, “Oh but what if he is?”

I want him to be. I need him to be.

Maybe I don’t want to believe it. Maybe it’s true. Maybe I’m right.

When you think someone is special. You think highly of them. You willingly put them on a pedestal. And, at times, unwilling. Even when they hurt you, they magically remain upright unharmed on that pedestal like a geek god carved into a stone statue.

Here I am finding myself haunted by this.

Maybe I need this to be true because it gives me peace of mind. It’s a way for me to prove to others he’s not he person they think he is. I don’t want to believe I would invest in someone who isn’t. Even though they hurt me. Hurt that I seem to be covering up. Hurt I am willing to ignore. Willing to let go.

Once proven to me there is a light behind his eyes. It’s not shining as bright anymore. At least not in my direction. I know it’s in there. Why did I lose it? It is hard to answer that question when it was choice I had no control over.

I stand here damaged, yet willing to release that damage. Not wanting to give up on a person. Willing to hand out another chance like it’s extra change. Pull those coins out of my pocket and place them tightly in his hands, hoping he won’t throw it in a fountain to be forgotten about. Shove them in his front pockets to get warm. Hoping he’ll invest it. Invest it until it multiplies into something worth saving.

I see this unruly potential within this person. Their energy is unlike any I have encountered before. I see a boy who could be a rock in my world. A light unlike any other. Yet, I’m unsure if he knows that.

Maybe I’m romanticizing him. Maybe I’m speaking what I want to be true. I am a terrible liar though. I also don’t like to be wrong about people. My sense of reading people has always been strong. With this person in particular I read a special person that has walked into my life. A person I can’t let go of.

Unrequited Love: You Can’t Love Alone

It’s hard to ignore, “the heart wants what the heart wants.” It’s hard to let go of “follow your heart.” Especially if your mind is telling you otherwise. Screaming, “Girl run the other direction.” There are no blueprints for the right direction. No maps or instructions telling you what choice to make. Nothing guiding you. You’re left to your own devices; yourself and your intuition at play. I imagine illustrations of the head and the heart are similar to an angel and devil sitting on opposite shoulders. Neither one of them telling you the same thing. Simultaneously, neither one is entirely wrong. Which one do you listen to?

What aids you in that choice? Is picking one over the other truly the best course of action? Can’t there be a way to combine them? Put them in a room together until they get along.

I recently watched a video about unrequited love. A quick one minute and thirty seconds that popped up on my FB feed. I almost scrolled right past it. Something inside me said, “Gabriella I think you need to watch this one.” To be honest I scroll past most videos people share. (Hello, there’s a lot of them) I’m glad I felt compelled to press play on this particular one. Unrequited love seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life. It pops up ALL the time. More than I’d care to admit. Just when I thought I’d heard it all, the speaker in this video said something that resonated strongly with me. “You can’t sit there and love someone in isolation. That’s not love.” There it was, the slap in the face I needed to hear. A thought that had never crossed my mind until that moment. A thought I sadly wish would have before. A thought I think would have saved me heartache.

It the spirit of honesty, the speaker is right. Loving someone is not sitting alone in your bedroom creeping on their social media hoping they will sense you staring at their Instagram profile for the tenth time that day. Loving someone is not analyzing every word of every tweet wondering if one of them might be about you. It is not hiding behind social media likes. That is not saying you care, that just proves you know how to click or double tap. Loving someone is not laying in bed an entire Saturday crying because you don’t know what to say to them. Loving someone is not waiting idly for an opportunity to slip back into their life after they break up with someone. It’s not keeping their sweatshirt folded in your closet hoping you will have a reason to wear it again.

Loving someone is communication. It’s showing up to their house with a cup of coffee, after crying for two days straight, and saying “hey let’s talk about this.” Loving someone is showing up, being present in their life. Loving someone is verbally telling them “I care about you” even if the possibility of their reaction scares you to death. As one of my favorite authors says, “Don’t let fear drive the car.” Love is illustrating to them you want to be a constant in their life. Them a constant in yours. It is making truth to the promises you made them. Not ifs, ands, or buts about it.

Unrequited love has this whimsical romantic notion. Where does that get us? It sounds beautiful, like a fairy tale. That is the connotation we’ve given it. Yet, it is one person seeking the affection of another who does not give a damn about them. I will admit I have always thought it oh so romantic. I am starting to change my tune. How long can a person go on “loving” someone without telling them? It breaks you down. It beats you up. It is like your own personal form of bullying. Let me tell you, it sucks. We all deserve the love that we so freely give to others. You may love them, but you must love yourself first. Not being honest with them or yourself is the opposite of that.

Listen to you heart, but don’t beat it up. Do not give it bruises that take an eternity to heal. It is difficult to be torn between letting them go and fighting for what you want. There is no black or white decision in that scenario. It is one extra large grey area. I usually love the color grey but not in this case.

Our minds spin in circles. What do you listen to, your heart, your head, your thoughts, your favorite romantic comedy, your emotions, your mom, your friends, a buzzfeed article, your coworkers, the lyrics to your favorite song? The possibilities are endless. I believe in time our souls know how to heal. The real challenge is silencing your mind.

A re-evaluation of this whole “unrequited love” thing needs to happen. Giving it control is an option we should no longer entertain. It might not happen overnight.

I hope one day we all find the courage to give unrequited love a swift kick in the ass. We all know it needs it.

 

Missed Opportunities 

Every kiss of yours I don’t get is a kiss I will miss.

Every hug of yours I don’t get is a hug I will miss.

Every smile of yours I don’t witness is a smile I will miss.

Every story of yours I don’t hear is a story I will miss.

Every moment of yours I don’t witness is a moment I will miss.

Every laugh of yours I don’t hear is a laugh I will miss.

Every tear of yours I don’t wipe away is a tear I will miss.

Every idea of yours I don’t hear is an idea I will miss.

Every touch of yours I don’t get is a touch I will miss.

Everything about you is everything I will miss.

Translation: I miss you.

We Got to Today

How did we get here?

Where is here? Today. Three years since I started this blog. Yes, three years. On this day three years ago, I started to share this space with you. I wrote a little post called Avenue Summer just after finishing my junior year of college. I had no idea it would lead me to three years of posts. I was just trying something new hoping for a reaction of any kind.

I wasn’t planning on writing this post tonight. This morning, by chance, I discovered today was the three year anniversary of The Gift of Gab. Heck, I didn’t even have that name from the beginning. I didn’t have a lot from the beginning. I wasn’t even sure if anyone would read what I write. I’m still not sure if anyone reads what I write. That leads me to my next point.

Thank you. If you are reading this, thank you. If you have read any words I have ever written, thank you. Ironically, words cannot describe how thankful I am. Writing is something that has become such a special outlet for me. When I sit down to write, I never know where my heart and mind will take me. Where my words will take me. The fact that you take time out of your day to invest in my words is incredible.

I know I don’t have the most read blog on the internet. I’m okay with that. That has never been my goal. It’s more important to me that I touch at least one person. That something I’ve written resonates with at least one single soul. I want to make people feel something or view life from a new perspective.

I feel so grateful that I get to share this space with you.  Just because I can’t say it enough, thank you, thank you, thank you. Three years of writing has been such a blessing for me. I hope for many many more.

I’m so happy. Happy because we got today. Three years got us here. We got today.


Moving forward, recent events in my life have led me to a new idea. A writing project that I’d love you to be a part of. I don’t want to give too much away, but it has something to do with my most recent post Welcome to Twenty-Four. That is the only clue you can have for now. If you’re intrigued/interested and want to write with me, give me a holler here: Contact Me. Or feel free to shoot me a text if you have my number.

Seriously though, I want to hear from you. This space has always been a place for me to write and share with you. You have welcomed it into your lives. Now, I want to welcome you into this space in a new way.

We got to today. Let’s see where tomorrow takes us.

 

Welcome to Twenty-Four

Every 365 days, as I gain another year on the calendar of life, I love to write a piece for my birthday. This year, I am turning 24 years old on the 24th of April. They call it your golden birthday, your golden year. Do I think at 24 years old I have lived all the life there is to live? Absolutely not. Yet each year of my life has never been the same. Think about it, no day in my life or yours has been identical. Our choices are the road map to the days that make up our life. When I write something for my birthday I try to reflect on what I have learned in my past 365 days. This year, my words are going to attempt something different. I am going to write a letter to myself.

I recently reached out to a friend for some advice on my writing. I know she reads my blog and would give me honest input. If you frequently do as well, you know I haven’t written a lot lately. In hope of sparking my writing light back into my life, I asked her for some inspiration. She suggested I write a letter to myself. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that is just what I needed. Her timing was impeccable.

A fair disclaimer must be placed here: Everything I am about to say is unreliable. It will be written from the heart. I might say things I know I need to hear but do not want to hear. I might lie to myself. I might be brutally honest. I might ignore vital topics. Whichever path I take, the words I say will be the words I am meant to write at this moment.

A theme I will reflect upon is ‘wear your heart on your sleeve.’ As I reflect on life, that is how I want to live it, with my heart on my sleeve. That makes you vulnerable. Every moment an open book. I believe being vulnerable creates the best version of yourself. Being vulnerable means you feel things. You are open to things. You live each moment as it is given to you.

Without further ado….


Dear Gabriella,

Welcome to twenty-four. The age as a little girl (wanting to be a princess when she grows up) you thought was the perfect age to get married. Both points in that statement are not true. You are not a princess. (Okay in your heart you are and when you visit Disney) You are not married. Nor, are you getting married. Luckily, you are okay with both of those circumstances.

Understand, you can’t predict life. You do not know where it will take you. You are meant to be exactly where you are right now. But, do not forget about the future. You do not know when or how the choices you make today will affect you. Remember to take care of yourself but not to ignore the ones around you. Give as much to them as you would to yourself. But, don’t give more of yourself to someone that does not deserve it. I know you are a confident woman, never forget that. Do not let anyone compromise that.

I want you to make me some promises. First and foremost, promise me you will wear your heart on your sleeve. Let yourself be vulnerable. Promise me you will invest. Invest in people. Invest in love. Invest in kindness. Invest in everything you do. Promise me you will try new things. As cliche as that sounds, it is ever so important. Do not break the pact you have with yourself; travel to at least one new place this year. Here we go with another cliche; step outside of your comfort zone. Remember that quote, “our ability to grow is directly proportional to our ability to entertain the uncomfortable.” Find the girl that invests in that. Find the girl that rents it a room in her soul.

You know all of those things you have been meaning to do? You know all of those people you have been meaning to reach out to? Do those things. Talk to those people. No one is going to do it for you. You have to do it for yourself. That is the beauty of the best things in life, you do them for yourself. What is the beauty of the best people in life? They are free. Yes, I know, Taylor Swift said that first. But hey, the girl’s right. The people in your life that should stay there are those who freely choose to do so. They love you for you. They accept you for you. As you will always do the same for them. This applies to all relationships. Friendships, boyfriends, relatives, pets etc… (well okay, you’re pets will always love you, but you get the point)

As for that boy filed away in the cabinet of your mind. Is he filed under the right section? I want you to truly consider this. Don’t brush it off. What is in the forefront of your mind when you hear his name? Don’t give him a spot nestled in the ‘important’ section of the filing cabinet if he does not deserve it. Acknowledge your heart. But don’t beat it up. Give yourself grace. Be fair to yourself. Be fair to him too. You want your heart to be full in the right way. Keep that in your sights. If he is meant to be a constant in your life, a witness to your daily graces, he will be. Remember, what we said about free people? The point is to remember just that. Free people, they are the best kind.

Gabriella, I want you to be happy. But to do that, you cannot think about being happy. Do not fester on the subject. Live your life. Do not try to write the worlds greatest definition for happiness. After you think you have written it, don’t try to turn it into a verb. Crumple it up and shoot for that three pointer into your garbage can. You cannot just define happiness. You cannot just do happiness. If you try to do so, you will miss the point. Life will whirl past you and you won’t even notice. As your girl Hannah Brencher says, ‘Be where your feet are.”

Give yourself permission to dream little G. Dream bigger than you know is possible. Recall that little girl that said she was going to be a princess. Revive her. Make her part of your everyday.

Most importantly, Gabriella, you are enough. You are enough. That needed to be written twice. Maybe then you will remember it twice as much.  Do something everyday to remind yourself of this.

Sweet girl with your heart on your sleeve, don’t lose your smile.  Your kindness defines you. Your words define you. Be who you need to be for yourself. The rest will fall into place.

Signed with a full heart,

The one knows you best & loves you most

April 2017 Tunes

Here’s a little taste of what’s making my ears, heart, and soul happy this month


Now or Never – Halsey

Craving You – Thomas Rhett feat. Maren Morris

guarded – Flor

Dive – Ed Sheeran

When You Love Someone – James TW

Different For Girls – Dierks Bentley feat. Elle King

Kissing Strangers – DNCE feat. Nicki Minaj

Galway Girl (Martin Jensen Remix) – Ed Sheeran & Martin Jensen

Sexual (Recorded at Spotify Studios NYC) – Zara Larson

How Not To – Dan + Shay

Everything Changed – Tatiana Manaois

Talk Too Much – COIN

Break My Heart – Hey Violet

Wicked – Mansionz feat G-Eazy

Overwhelming – Jon Bellion

You Don’t Know Love (Acoustic) – Olly Murs

Space – Maren Morris

Lipstick – Dan + Shay

There’s Nothing Holdin’ Me Back – Shawn Mendes

overbehind – Flor

Attention – Charlie Puth


Check out my  April 2017 Playlist on Spotify for all of these songs plus a few more