Ours Was Never Ours

Relationship status: Not ours

They didn’t date but he still broke her heart. Ours is a pronoun they never reached the status of. You plus me was an equation they never solved. There is a blank space after the equals sign.

She found herself in a relationship that wasn’t a relationship. He managed to break her heart without ever fully having it. She’s not so sure he realizes how easily he did this to her.

There was never a defined “we are.” They just carried on in their own world.

Hands were held. Inside jokes were made. Sweet kisses held true. Laugher was constant. Horrible bowling skills were witnessed. She had never felt so happy to simply be with someone. She was beginning to realize why nothing had never worked out with another person. The best part, they met by chance. It was like one of her favorite Taylor Swift lyrics, “The best people in life are free” was coming to life right in front of her. She spent a Monday night supporting a coworker and left with so much more. What came next she never expected.

She spent two months of her life feeling a way she had never felt before. She did so many uncharacteristic things just to see him. She broke her rules. She opened up her heart like a book that’d never been read before. Tore down walls that stood tall between the lines. She laid down her heart like playing cards. He didn’t bet on her. She left her comfort zone at the starting line. She ran away from it with her inhibitions in tow. In her mind she felt one way. She had a vision of them. Day dreams of the places they would go.

She learned she should have spoke her mind. She should have said what she wanted. She didn’t. That can’t be changed now. Nor does she regret it. Yet it will always linger in the depths of her mind. If she would have said something, what would have been different? What would be different now?

There was a he. There was a she. There was never a we. Never an ours. Somehow she still felt like there was everything and then some. Potential for so much more lingering waiting for its golden hour. More that they didn’t even know was possible. Crashing down and pulled away like the tide from the shore. Pulled away like a breakup yet there wasn’t a defined relationship.

He didn’t date her. Her is me. He’s the guy I’m forever hung up on. He was the last best thing I had. Now I am witnessing the puzzle pieces of a heart break first hand. They are slipping through my hands like quicksand with nothing to catch them. No safety net to collect them. I’ve tried to let go but I don’t know if I want to.

What I would give for one more taste of his lips to bring me back. I never doubted he liked me. I doubted what we both wanted.

I’m trying to find my healing path. How do you heal from something you don’t regret?

A new boy has caught my attention. One who is nothing like you. Maybe that’s what I need? I’m still unsure. Yet, your name lingers, pinned to a bulletin board in my mind. Always a what if. Wondering what we could be.

As so often in this world, perhaps timing is not on our side yet. It may never be. A mutual friend of ours said give it time. Give him time. How much time is the right amount of time? I’ll be the first to tell you I’m impatient.

It’s easy to say this is the first time I felt this way. For that, I say thank you to him. Thank you. He gave me a feeling I didn’t know was possible. He gave me a story of first encounters that I want to tell for the rest of my life.

If you’re reading this, thank you. You showed me a different side of me. A giddy girl happy to be by your side. I will always be grateful for that. With you, around you, I was overwhelmed in the best way. In a way I wish everyone gets to experience. The thing is, I was just falling in love with you. I wasn’t in love with you. I can only imagine how that would feel. I imagine overwhelming in a way words can’t describe. I want to show up for you. I want to stand on your balcony always cheering you on. Your biggest cheerleader, never leaving your side. You’re the first person I want to tell good news too. I want you to witness all of me. I may never get that chance and I suppose in the end I will have to be ok with that. Know I’ll always melt in the wake of your smile.

We said we’d be friends but it hurts me to see you with another girl. I don’t want to lose you. I’m holding on to something but unclear of what that is.

I’m tied together with a smile.

Ours was never a pronoun we belonged to, that’s not to say I don’t want to.


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