Oh but what if he is?

She said, “Maybe he’s not as special as you thought he was.”

I replied with, “Oh but what if he is?”

I want him to be. I need him to be.

Maybe I don’t want to believe it. Maybe it’s true. Maybe I’m right.

When you think someone is special. You think highly of them. You willingly put them on a pedestal. And, at times, unwilling. Even when they hurt you, they magically remain upright unharmed on that pedestal like a geek god carved into a stone statue.

Here I am finding myself haunted by this.

Maybe I need this to be true because it gives me peace of mind. It’s a way for me to prove to others he’s not he person they think he is. I don’t want to believe I would invest in someone who isn’t. Even though they hurt me. Hurt that I seem to be covering up. Hurt I am willing to ignore. Willing to let go.

Once proven to me there is a light behind his eyes. It’s not shining as bright anymore. At least not in my direction. I know it’s in there. Why did I lose it? It is hard to answer that question when it was a choice I had no control over.

I stand here damaged, yet willing to release that damage. Not wanting to give up on a person. Willing to hand out another chance like it’s extra change. Pull those coins out of my pocket and place them tightly in his hands, hoping he won’t throw it in a fountain to be forgotten about. Shove them in his front pockets to get warm. Hoping he’ll invest it. Invest it until it multiplies into something worth saving.

I see this unruly potential within this person. Their energy is unlike any I have encountered before. I see a boy who could be a rock in my world. A light unlike any other. Yet, I’m unsure if he knows that.

Maybe I’m romanticizing him. Maybe I’m speaking what I want to be true. I am a terrible liar though. I also don’t like to be wrong about people. My sense of reading people has always been strong. With this person in particular I read a special person that has walked into my life. A person I can’t let go of.


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