Dear Him, (The Later)

“Brick walls are there for a reason. They give us a chance to show how badly we want something.”

I wanted something badly. It ate me up inside. It consumed my thoughts. It overwhelmed my heart. That thing that I wanted so badly was you. You made me believe in life. You made me believe in something I didn’t know I needed. I believed you could have taught me something. You inspired me. When you were here, just the thought of seeing you or talking to you got me out of bed each day. You showed me a world of wonder, a world of falling in love. Time before you were in my life felt nearly irrelevant. I didn’t really care about what happened before you.

You scared me, in a way I needed. I know you would have forced me to access parts of myself I will not reach on my own. Force me to step outside of my comfort zone. I like people that terrify me in that way. You did that. If I can’t read a person well, I find it as a challenge. I like challenges.

I know who I am.  I wanted to know me plus you. The feeling of craving your attention will constantly haunt me. Mostly because I don’t know if I’ll ever get your attention again. Which is hard for me to let go. You are hard for me to let go. There were many things I wanted to do with you. I wanted to experience life with you. I know you would have taught me things I did not even know I needed to learn.

The way you conduct yourself was so enticing to me.  As I reflect back on time spent together, I realize I was more in love with you than even I knew. I still am. Probably more then I should have been. I ignored the fact you rarely acted on it. Yet, I let you give me hope to finding a world I want outside of here. You were my connection to a place I’d never been but need to go. Sometimes, I still believe you can be. I believed and still do believe in you. I saw the world in you. You could have taught me so much. I wanted to look at the world through your eyes. I wanted you to show me how wonderful life could be. I already know me. I wanted to know me plus you. You are a strong, hardworking, sarcastic, kind, and loving man. You don’t let things stand in your way. You take life as it is and you live it. I wish I could handle myself in the way you do. At least I thought this at one point. Now, I’m not so sure. I try to forget all of this but I cannot manage to do so. A piece of the hope I gave still resides in my heart. It’s renting a room on a lease with no end date.

I wish you understood what I saw in you. I wish you would have given me more of a chance. Or I wish you would have been honest with me instead of ignoring me when you left. My heart lived on both of my sleeves with you in the room.

You challenged me in so many ways. I need that in my life. Not many people challenge me, but when I find someone who does, I never want to let them go. My blind optimism will hold a piece of you in my heart forever. I’d tell you I miss you, but I don’t know how.

As for now, I listen to Chicago radio in hopes of talking to you about it again. The smell of gin reminds me of you. I still imagine what great things you will do with your life. You are a special person, my brick wall that I hoped to scale one day.  Until then, I hope the world brings you everything you deserve. I hope you fall in love and it’s everything you imagined it would be. I hope you find what you are looking for in life. Finally, I hope you find your way back to me.




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