Dear Him,

“Brick walls are there for a reason. They give us a chance to show how badly we want something.”

When I want something badly, it eats me up inside. It consumes my thoughts. It overwhelms my heart. This thing that I want badly is you. You make me believe in life. You make me believe in something I didn’t know I needed. I believe you can teach me something about life that I simply cannot learn from anyone else. You inspire me. When you were here, just the thought of seeing you or talking to you got me out of bed each day. You showed me a world of wonder, a world of falling in love. Time before you were in my life feels nearly irrelevant now. I don’t really care about what happened before you.

You scare me. I know you would force me to access parts of myself I will not reach on my own. Force me to step outside of my comfort zone. I like people that terrify me in that way. You do that. If I can’t read you well, I find it as a challenge. I like challenges.

I know who I am. Now, I want to know me plus you. The feeling of craving your attention will constantly haunt me. Mostly because I don’t know if I’ll ever get your attention again. Which is hard for me to let go. You are hard for me to let go. There are many things I want to do with you. I want to experience life with you. I know you would teach me things I do not even know I need to learn. The way you conduct yourself is so enticing to me.  As I reflect back on time spent together, I realize I was more in love with you than even I knew. I still am. You gave me hope to finding a world I want outside of here. You were my connection to a place I’d never been but need to go. I still believe you can be. I believe in you. I see the world in you. I believe you can teach me so much. I want to look at the world through your eyes. I want you to show me how wonderful life can be. I already know me. I want to know me plus you. You are a strong, hardworking, sarcastic, kind, and loving man. You don’t let things stand in your way. You take life as it is and you live it. I wish I could handle myself in the way you do. I wish you understood what I see in you. You challenge me in so many ways. I need that in my life. Not many people challenge me, but when I find someone who does, I never want to let them go. My blind optimism will hold a piece of you in my heart forever. I’d tell you I miss you, but I don’t know how.

As for now, I listen to Chicago radio in hopes of talking to you about it again. The smell of gin reminds me of you. I picture myself saying to you, “When you are ready to fall in love, give me a call.” I imagine what great things you are doing each day. And I imagine what great things you will do with your life. You are a special person, my brick wall that I hope to scale one day.  Until then, I hope the world brings you everything you deserve. I hope you fall in love and it’s everything you imagined it would be. I hope you find what you are looking for in life. Finally, I hope you find your way back to me.




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